The First Step to Real Change: Stop Fighting Yourself

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"I find I am more effective when I can listen acceptantly to myself, and can be myself.

I feel that over the years I have learned to become more adequate in listening to myself; so that I know, somewhat more adequately than I used to, what I am feeling at any given moment—to be able to realize…

I am angry;

or that I do feel rejecting toward this person;

or that I feel very full of warmth and affection for this individual;

or that I am bored and uninterested in what is going on;

or that I am eager to understand this individual;

or that I am anxious and fearful in my relationship to this person.

I have become more adequate in letting myself be what I am. It becomes easier for me to accept myself as a decidedly imperfect person, who by no means functions at all times in the way in which I would like to function.

We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then change seems to come about almost unnoticed.

Another result which seems to grow out of being myself is that relationships then become real. Real relationships have an exciting way of being vital and meaningful."

Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

The Courage to Listen to Yourself

Listening to ourselves sounds simple, but it’s far from easy. In a world where we’re constantly told to "think positive" or "be your best self," it’s easy to believe that certain emotions (like anger, fear, or boredom) are flaws to fix rather than signals to listen to.

It’s easy to believe that certain emotions are flaws to fix rather than signals to listen to.

But Carl Rogers challenges this idea. His words push us to see self-awareness as a practice of self-acceptance. By listening to ourselves—with genuineness and curiosity—we gain access to the raw, unfiltered truth of our experience.

This shift is profound because, as Rogers points out, we cannot change until we accept what is already there. If you’ve ever felt stuck, trying to "be better" or "do better" but spinning in circles, the reason may be that you’re fighting against yourself instead of listening to what you truly need.

Why Self-Acceptance Leads to Change

There’s a powerful paradox here: We often think that change requires discipline, force, or grit. But in reality, change begins with self-acceptance. This concept is backed not only by Rogers' philosophy but also by modern psychology. Research on self-compassion, pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff, shows that people who treat themselves with acceptance and kindness are more likely to make lasting, positive changes in their lives and relationships with others.

Why? Because shame paralyzes, but self-acceptance frees.

Shame paralyzes, but self-acceptance frees.

When you resist your feelings—anger, boredom, fear—you create tension between “who you are” and “who you think you should be.” That tension takes up mental and emotional energy, leaving little room for growth. But when you say, "Yes, I am angry right now" or "I feel disconnected from this person," you reduce internal conflict. The energy once spent suppressing or denying the feeling is now free to be used for growth, reflection, and even healing.

We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are.

But Isn't Shame Helpful Sometimes?

If you're like me, you might be wondering about the times shame might be helpful to someone or society and when self-acceptance just leads to jerks remaining as jerks.

I find this to be a misreading of both concepts.

Shame, in its most toxic form, tells us "I am bad" rather than "I did something wrong." This kind of shame corrodes self-worth and traps us in a cycle of self-criticism. However, guilt—which is often confused with shame—can be productive. Guilt says, "I value kindness, and I didn’t act in line with that value." It points us toward growth without dismantling our self-worth.

Guilt—which is often confused with shame—can be productive. Guilt says, "I value kindness, and I didn’t act in line with that value." It points us toward growth without dismantling our self-worth.

On the other hand, self-acceptance does not mean complacency. It doesn’t mean we approve of every thought, action, or behavior. Instead, it means we acknowledge where we are without denial, and that clear, unfiltered view allows for growth.

Acceptance is not the end point—it’s the starting line. Think of it like navigating with a GPS. If you don't first acknowledge your exact location, you can't map a route forward. Similarly, when you recognize, "I'm feeling envious" or "I haven't been showing up as my best self lately," you're being honest with yourself. This honesty doesn't trap you—it frees you to grow.

Practice of Listening to Yourself

"Okay, but how do I actually listen to myself?" Good news: You don’t have to "force" self-listening. The process is simpler than you think. Here are some practices inspired by Rogers' words:

Name Your Feelings in Real Time. When you notice a shift in mood or energy, pause and name it. "I’m angry right now." "I’m feeling disconnected." "I’m feeling really curious about this person." No judgment, just observation. This helps you move from reacting to reflecting.
Ask Yourself, 'What’s Here Right Now?' In quiet moments (like during a walk or before bed), take a mental scan of your inner world. What emotions are present? Are you avoiding any of them? Practice welcoming each feeling, even the uncomfortable ones, as if you were welcoming guests into your home.
Challenge Perfectionism with Acceptance. If you catch yourself thinking, "I shouldn’t feel this way," pause. Remind yourself that every feeling is valid—even the ones that are inconvenient, messy, or unflattering. Instead of resisting, breathe into the feeling and offer it space to exist.
Notice Repeating Themes. Certain feelings may show up in specific situations or with certain people. If you always feel “anxious” before meetings or “bored” around certain people, listen to what that might be telling you. Feelings aren’t random or villainous—they’re messengers.

Feelings aren’t random or villainous—they’re messengers.

Real Relationships

Rogers' excerpt ends with a profound truth: "Another result which seems to grow out of being myself is that relationships then become real."

How often do we edit ourselves in relationships to keep things smooth? We soften our edges, hide our discomfort, or pretend we’re more interested than we are. But here’s the thing—people can sense it. Whether consciously or unconsciously, others pick up on the gap between our true feelings and the image we present.

This "gap" makes relationships feel hollow or forced. But when we show up as we are—imperfect, curious, even a little messy—we invite others to do the same. Real relationships aren’t perfect, but they are alive, vibrant, and meaningful.

Here’s an example: Imagine a friend who always says, “I’m fine,” even when it’s obvious they’re not. Contrast that with a friend who says, “Honestly, I’m feeling really off today.” Which of those two responses feels more human, more relatable, and more real? The second friend is likely the one you’ll feel closer to because they’ve shared something honest.

Real relationships require real people. And real people are, by nature, imperfect.

Real relationships require real people.

Self-Acceptance Changes Everything

When you practice self-acceptance, everything else shifts:

You become less reactive. You don’t need to "fix" every feeling, so you react less impulsively.
You become more at peace with yourself. Acceptance quiets inner conflict, which reduces anxiety and stress.
Your relationships deepen. When you accept your own humanity, it’s easier to offer the same acceptance to others.

If change has felt elusive for you, maybe it’s not because you haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe it’s because you’ve been trying too hard to be someone you’re not. The irony is that the path to change isn’t effort—it’s acceptance.

If change has felt elusive for you, maybe it’s not because you haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe it’s because you’ve been trying too hard to be someone you’re not.

When you listen to yourself, accept yourself, and give yourself space to be human, you unlock the potential for change that was there all along.

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Disclaimer:

These thoughts are presented with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of discovery.

There is so much scholarly material around religion, history, sociology, and psychology (realms I spend much of my time in). While that is immensely valuable and should be consulted when lives are at stake, I'd never produce anything if I required myself to scour these depths before voicing my thoughts which I believe to contain value and worth.

As such, it would not surprise me if my conclusions change in the future. And I hope it doesn't surprise you. That change of mind could come tomorrow, or it could come years from now. Curiosity isn't concrete. Trying to make it so robs it of its strength and beauty. As you read, I hope you will remember this - on my behalf and on yours.

“I have found that when another person has been willing to tell me something of his inner directions this has been of value to me, if only in sharpening my realization that my directions are different.”

Dr. Carl Rogers

Additionally, this post is not a substitute for psychotherapy or professional advice. If you are experiencing emotional distress or seeking personalized guidance, please consult a licensed mental health professional or other qualified expert.