Heal Your Hurt: Turning Dragons into Defenders

We all have inner dragons; parts of us that we feel life would be better without. Maybe it's people-pleasing, cynicism, vulnerability, or perfectionism. Like Tolkein's Smaug, these beasts are often sumbitted to or ignored for as long as possible because it would be too terrifying and risky to confront them.

But also like Smaug, they often sit on a wellspring of power and treasure that would do us some good.

Aleks Filatova

We're often tempted to slay these dragons with brute force only to find them they're impervious to such attacks. Yet even the Worm of Dread had "a patch in the hollow of his left breast as bare as a snail out of its shell" (The Hobbit, Chapter 12). At the end of the day, it only took one careful, calculated, and capable shot from Bard the Bowman to bring the beast down.

William O'Connor

But our dragons aren't exterior tyrants - they're a part of us. Damaging them or exiling them, even if it worked (which I don’t believe it does), would likely do more harm to us than good.

Consider a different approach: treating their weakness as exactly that: a place in need of repair rather than opportunities for death. By compassionately conversing with even what appear to be our most vile and vicious dragons, we may transform our struggles from foes into allies. Like Aesop’s lion and mouse, a small act of kindness toward ourselves can unlock powerful connections, transforming our inner turmoil into sources of treasured strength.

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Maybe you've heard of Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Richard Schwartz or the lesser known Voice Dialogue by Hal and Sidra Stone. These are approaches to counseling that encourage treating every "part" of ourselves with compassionate care - even the ones that have given us hell for years. Through this, you may very well heal your hurt.

I'm far more familiar with IFS, so much of what I discuss ahead will be done so in that frame.

Schwartz suggests that our "self" - the one beyond and behind all the "parts" - carries the following qualities:

• Calmness

• Curiosity

• Clarity

• Compassion

• Confidence

• Courage

• Creativity

Think of this seven-C'd self as the archer above and their arrow as conversation and observation driven by the same C's.

Now think of this metaphorical dragon as a part of your inner world that you wish would just go away. For me, the part I've explored the most in my own journey is perfectionism.

What are we to do with this beast?

Breathe. Let your jaw and shoulders relax.

Let the part know you're not here to hurt or exile it. This is especially important if you've tried to do so in the past. You're just here to chat.

Note, while our imaginations play a HUGE part in what happens next, I would advise caution if the process seems hallucinatory or "too real" in some way. At the very least, this is a sign to continue this work with a professional trained in parts work.

Remind this part that you nor it are in danger and ask if it would let it would be willing to interact for a few minutes.

At this point you might already have an image of what this part looks like. If not, now's a good time to ask; if you do, don't presume the response, let it come to you. It might be a person, a creature, or even an anthropomorphic object. (I imagine the part of me deemed "The Lone Wolf" actually appears as a wolf, while other parts of me are imagined as different versions of myself).

Imagining a visual for this part is so helpful in continuing the conversation. If you're an artist (or not), it's great to sketch it out. Similarly, if you're omfortable using AI art, giving a prompt to bing.com/create is a great way to personalize this part.

Continuing to listen rather than presume, you can use any of the following questions to build a healing relationship with this part. If you suspect there's a chance of reexperiencing trauma, I emplore you to seek professional guidance in this process.

There's a lot of questions here. You don't want to overwhelm yourself or your part, so take it slow. Ask a question a day if that feels appropriate. Remember to listen - it's all too easy to hurriedly fill in the blank based on our misshapen habits and expectations (which, ironically, is what we're trying to heal).

• What is your role in my life?

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• How long have you been with me?

• What do you hope to accomplish for me?

• What would happen if you didn't have to do this job?

• How do you feel about me right now?

• What do you need fro me in order to feel safe?

• Are you holding any pain or fear I should know about?

• What would make you feel more comfortable?

• Is there anything you want me to understand about you?

• How can I show you that I'm here to help?

• What would it look like if we worked together?

• Can I check in with you from time to time?

• Is there something you've been wanting to for a long time but haven't received?

• What are you afraid might happen if you let go or changed your role?

• What do you wish others understood about you?

• What would life look like if you didn't have to work so hard?

• Is there a way you'd like to feel instead?

• Can you imagine a place or situation where you'd feel at ease?

• How would it feel to have my support in healing?

• What would you like me to know about what you've been through?

• Is there something you need to let go of in order to heal?

• How can I help ease your burden?

• Are there memories or feelings you'd like me to witness with you?

• How can I show you more kindness?

• What do you need to feel accepted and valued?

• Can we find a way to take care of each other?

Once you feel the conversation has wrapped up, it can be helpful to jot down some notes about what you learned. I prefer to do this after the fact rather than during the imaginative interaction - this way I'm more present with the part and not simply on a hunt for information.

Also, sharing this with confidants or mental health professionals is so helpful. I'm a firm believer in "externalizaton:" getting our whirlwinding abstract inner worlds out into reality where they can be sculpted by healthy relationships and wisdom.

In the end, the goal of parts work is for the "self" to lead the "parts." Not the other way around. Any progress we make in this direction (I don't believe we'll ever totally achieve it in this life) is the victory we seek - not the slaying of our dragon.

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Disclaimer:

These thoughts are presented with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of discovery.

There is so much scholarly material around religion, history, sociology, and psychology (realms I spend much of my time in). While that is immensely valuable and should be consulted when lives are at stake, I'd never produce anything if I required myself to scour these depths before voicing my thoughts which I believe to contain value and worth.

As such, it would not surprise me if my conclusions change in the future. And I hope it doesn't surprise you. That change of mind could come tomorrow, or it could come years from now. Curiosity isn't concrete. Trying to make it so robs it of its strength and beauty. As you read, I hope you will remember this - on my behalf and on yours.