Stop Letting Criticism and Praise Control Your Life

Read Aloud

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“Evaluation by others is not a guide for me."

Dr. Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

In a world filled with opinions, it’s easy to feel like your value is tied to others’ judgments. Praise makes you soar; criticism makes you crumble. But Carl Rogers challenges this cycle, inviting us to trust our inner compass over the shifting tides of external evaluation.

Why Praise & Criticism Feel So Powerful

Humans are wired for connection, and for good reason. From childhood, we rely on others—parents, teachers, friends—for guidance and affirmation. This feedback helps us learn, adapt, and navigate the world. Even once we leave childhood, we live in societies fully dependent on people working and communicating together.

However, the desire to please others can overshadow our own voice. When we internalize others' judgments, they become a substitute for our own sense of personal direction. We think, If they approve, I must be doing the right thing. But what happens when approval isn’t there?

The danger of relying on external validation is this: it leaves you constantly looking outward for answers that only you can provide.

I remember a time in my late teens and early twenties when I'd play music on stage at church every week. Each time the service ended and left the stage, I would 1) put the usual "complimenters" on my path so I'd run into them, 2) cleverly fish for affirmation in my conversations with people, or, at best, 3) relish when the adoration would pour out without prompting.

The worst part? When no one said anything, I was certain that meant it was a terrible service and I did a terrible job and, therefore, I was a terrible person. No one even had to critique or complain about the music - the silence was plenty meaningful to me.

Rogers’ Wisdom on Self-Guidance

Carl Rogers knew the weight of others’ judgments—both praise and criticism. In On Becoming A Person, he recalls being shaken when a respected peer criticized his interest in psychotherapy. Later, as he became a prominent figure in the field, he faced both scorn and admiration.

What he learned, however, was this: the truth of his work couldn’t be determined by others’ opinions, no matter how thoughtful or extreme. Only he could assess whether his actions were honest, thorough, and aligned with his values.

Rogers didn’t dismiss feedback outright—he welcomed it. But he understood that feedback is just evidence, not a verdict. Ultimately, the responsibility for interpreting its meaning and deciding its usefulness rested with him.

Feedback is just evidence, not a verdict

What This Means for You

Rogers’ lesson isn’t about ignoring others or rejecting feedback. Instead, it’s about finding balance. Listening to others is valuable, but it shouldn’t simply override your internal wisdom.

Here’s the paradox: when you stop letting external evaluations control you, you become more grounded, resilient, and authentic. And ironically, this often leads to the respect and trust you were seeking in the first place.

How to Integrate This Principle in Your Life

Here are three practical steps to help you trust yourself while staying open to feedback:

1. Pause Before Reacting to Feedback

When someone praises or critiques you, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself:

What is this feedback really saying?
Does it align with what I know to be right or true about myself?
Is there something useful here, or is this about their perspective more than mine?

Reflecting before reacting helps you stay centered in your own truth rather than getting swept up in others’ opinions.

2. Build a Habit of Self-Reflection

Set aside time to regularly check in with yourself. Journaling or quiet contemplation can help you answer questions like:

Am I being honest with myself about my goals and actions?
Do I feel aligned with my values, or am I chasing approval?
What feedback from others has been helpful, and what hasn’t served me?

The more you practice self-reflection, the more confident you’ll become in discerning your own path.

3. Seek Feedback Wisely

Not all opinions are created equal. Rogers valued feedback, but he didn’t treat all criticism or praise as equally meaningful. Consider:

Who is offering the feedback? Are they someone you trust and respect?
Are they offering constructive insight, or is their feedback rooted in their own biases or insecurities?
Does their perspective challenge you in a way that promotes growth, or does it feel diminishing?

By filtering feedback thoughtfully, you can use it to grow without letting it define you.

A Challenge for the Week

The next time you receive feedback—positive or negative—pause and reflect. Instead of immediately accepting or rejecting it, ask yourself:

What do I think about this?
How does it align with my values and truth?

Then take what serves you (even if it's uncomfortable) and let the rest go.

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Disclaimer:

These thoughts are presented with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of discovery.

There is so much scholarly material around religion, history, sociology, and psychology (realms I spend much of my time in). While that is immensely valuable and should be consulted when lives are at stake, I'd never produce anything if I required myself to scour these depths before voicing my thoughts which I believe to contain value and worth.

As such, it would not surprise me if my conclusions change in the future. And I hope it doesn't surprise you. That change of mind could come tomorrow, or it could come years from now. Curiosity isn't concrete. Trying to make it so robs it of its strength and beauty. As you read, I hope you will remember this - on my behalf and on yours.

“I have found that when another person has been willing to tell me something of his inner directions this has been of value to me, if only in sharpening my realization that my directions are different.”

Dr. Carl Rogers

Additionally, this post is not a substitute for psychotherapy or professional advice. If you are experiencing emotional distress or seeking personalized guidance, please consult a licensed mental health professional or other qualified expert.