The Risky Business of Understanding Others
- Caleb Robertson
- Jan 11
- 4 min read
"I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand another person.
The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think that it is.
Our first reaction to most of the statements which we hear from other people is an immediate evaluation, or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling or attitude or belief, our tendency is, almost immediately, to feel “That’s right”; or “That’s stupid”; “That’s abnormal”; “That’s unreasonable”; “That’s incorrect”; “That’s not nice.”
Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of their statement is to them. I believe this is because understanding is risky. If I let myself really understand another person, I might be changed by that understanding. And we all fear change.
– Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Carl Rogers' words cut straight to the heart of a profound truth about human connection: understanding others isn’t natural—it’s intentional. It’s something we have to permit ourselves to do because, as Rogers points out, understanding someone carries what feels like a big risk.
The moment we shift from judging to understanding, we open ourselves to the possibility of being changed by what we hear. And change—no matter how positive—is often uncomfortable. But it’s through this intentional act of understanding that we experience some of life’s richest rewards: deeper relationships, greater empathy, and personal growth.
Let’s explore why understanding feels so risky, why it’s worth the effort, and how to start practicing it in your everyday life.
Why Understanding Feels So Hard
1. We Default to Judgment
Rogers describes our tendency to immediately evaluate what others say: “That’s right”; “That’s stupid”; “That’s abnormal.” These snap judgments shield us from discomfort. By labeling someone’s words, we avoid the work of considering their perspective or wrestling with ideas that might challenge our own.
2. Understanding Requires Vulnerability
To understand someone, we have to step into their frame of reference. This means putting aside our assumptions and listening with compassionate curiosity. But letting go of our mental filters can feel vulnerable—like cutting the rope to our anchoring beliefs or worldview.
3. We Fear Change
Rogers highlights a truth we rarely acknowledge: understanding someone might change us. It might soften our anger, challenge our biases, or push us to see something in ourselves we’ve avoided. Change can be unsettling, which is why we resist it, even when it’s for the better.
Why Understanding Is Worth the Risk
1. It Deepens Relationships
Understanding is the foundation of trust. When we truly hear someone without judgment, they feel seen and valued. This creates a bond that shallow conversations or surface-level interactions can’t replicate.
2. It Builds Empathy and Reduces Conflict
By stepping into another’s perspective, we expand our capacity for empathy. We begin to see the complexities of their experiences and motivations, which fosters compassion and reduces conflict.
3. It Encourages Personal Growth
Understanding others broadens our worldview and helps us grow. It challenges us to confront our assumptions, embrace complexity, and become more adaptable in our relationships.
How to Practice Understanding
Permitting yourself to understand someone doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say or abandoning your own values. It’s about creating space to genuinely hear them. Here’s how to start:
1. Pause Before Reacting
When someone shares a belief, feeling, or opinion, resist the urge to evaluate it immediately. Instead, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself, What does this mean to them?
2. Listen With Curiosity
Approach conversations with the mindset of a learner. Ask open-ended questions like:
“What makes you feel that way?”
“Can you tell me more about that?”
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
3. Reflect Back What You Hear
Paraphrase what the other person says to ensure you understand their perspective. For example: “It sounds like you’re frustrated because you feel unheard. Is that right?”
This not only clarifies their meaning but also shows them you’re genuinely listening.
4. Embrace Discomfort
If you feel challenged by what you hear, lean into that discomfort. Ask yourself, Why is this unsettling for me? What can I learn from it? Often, our greatest growth comes from engaging with ideas that stretch us.
Understanding as a Transformative Act
Rogers reminds us that understanding isn’t passive—it’s active, intentional, and transformative. It requires courage to step into someone else’s world and humility to accept that we might be changed by it.
The courage to be curious unlocks possibilities that judgment never can. Real understanding fosters genuine connection, dissolves barriers, and helps us grow into more empathetic, open-hearted individuals.
As Rogers suggests, understanding another person is rare—and that rarity makes it all the more valuable. The next time you find yourself in a conversation, challenge yourself to permit understanding. You might find that the risk is worth it, not just for the relationship but for the person you’ll become in the process.
A Challenge to You
This week, take one conversation as an opportunity to practice understanding. Pause your judgments, ask thoughtful questions, and let yourself truly hear the other person. Notice how it feels—not just for them, but for you.
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Disclaimer:
These thoughts are presented with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of discovery.
There is so much scholarly material around religion, history, sociology, and psychology (realms I spend much of my time in). While that is immensely valuable and should be consulted when lives are at stake, I'd never produce anything if I required myself to scour these depths before voicing my thoughts which I believe to contain value and worth.
As such, it would not surprise me if my conclusions change in the future. And I hope it doesn't surprise you. That change of mind could come tomorrow, or it could come years from now. Curiosity isn't concrete. Trying to make it so robs it of its strength and beauty. As you read, I hope you will remember this - on my behalf and on yours.
“I have found that when another person has been willing to tell me something of his inner directions this has been of value to me, if only in sharpening my realization that my directions are different.”
Dr. Carl Rogers
Additionally, this post is not a substitute for psychotherapy or professional advice. If you are experiencing emotional distress or seeking personalized guidance, please consult a licensed mental health professional or other qualified expert.
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